Quiet

"It's okay to cross the street to avoid making small talks." - Mahatma Gandhi

When I was young(er), I was a quiet girl. I always had this frown on my face no matter where I went, and I shy away when strangers approach. If anyone I am not familiar with ever talks to me, my answers were always one-word replies. My aunt once shared an example of how I was when I was a child, that left a huge impression on me. I never knew how quiet I was - or anti-social, as some people might say - until then. 

Just fyi, my family consists of my parents, my three siblings and I (+ my dog). My aunt said that she always had a hard time talking to me on the phone. When she called to talk to my mother and I happen to pick up the call, it would probably take five minutes before the phone was passed to my mom. Reason being - she would say "hello?" and I would reply the same. Then, she would proceed to say, "Sin Yi?" which is my elder sister's name, and I would say "no." Then "Jia Li?" (my younger sister), "no." And because I had a rather deep voice when I was young, she would say "Jia Cai?" (my younger brother), and I would still reply no. Finally, "Sin Hui?" and I would say "yes." The point is, I would answer questions with just a yes or no, and wouldn't say anything more. So it made talking to me difficult. Or I guess she could have just asked who am I, instead of playing the guessing game. :p 

Anyway, besides that, I was really afraid of speaking to strangers. It was to the extent of not being able to order food at hawker centres, or fast food restaurants. Laugh, but that was extremely out of my comfort zone (and still is, except I am a lot braver now). 

So for all my childhood, I was an introvert - shunning people, keeping to myself, only mingling with my family and close friends. When I was entering secondary school, making friends was my top concern - I don't know how to make friends. I have never done that before. It dawned on me that all my friendships in primary school were initiated by the opposite parties. To make things worse, I was the only one in my clique (and my class) to be posted to that particular school. Damn. Come to think about it, I think my entire family was worried for me. But like I said, I got braver, and so I had a few friends (but it still took me three years to be comfortable talking to a friend alone for a bus/train ride). It was the same in poly, and I struggled a bit, but I made a friend whom I will be forever thankful for. She was there since the first day but it took me awhile to realise. Love you and thank you, M. 

Throughout my teenage years, I've spoken up a little, trying not to feel uncomfortable around strangers, and keeping up the small talks. Maybe, just maybe, I am slowly evolving into an extrovert! I could order food, I could talk to people I don't know, and that is a huge improvement from who I was. It wasn't until I entered uni that my thought was crushed. What I thought was a huge improvement was not that big after all. My psychology lecturer mentioned that one's personality stops changing after 3 years old (latest: 7), and there is no way you can change from an introvert to an extrovert. The most you could change is from an extreme introvert to a mild(for the lack of better word) introvert. You could say that well, at least I changed from an extreme to a mild? Nope, I was still rather affected by it because I hated being an introvert. No one likes an introvert.

The thing about being an introvert is - people are always asking you "why are you so quiet?" or "are you okay?" For all my life, people have been treating me like I am a weird child, like it is wrong to be an introvert. That girl doesn't talk; oh, she is shy. My parents told me to speak up, to smile more often, engage in small talks because these are what normal people do. I dislike crowds, I dislike parties, I like to read, and I prefer writing/thinking to talking. These are all normal. I am not weird or stupid, I am just not like the majority. 

Up till a few months ago, I was still struggling to change myself. Not comfortable in my own skin, I wanted to be someone else. I envied people who have many friends (not necessarily popular), who strikes conversations with others so easily. My sisters are extroverts, and I look at them and question if we are really blood-related. Can I say I was ashamed to be an introvert? Yeah, I was terribly ashamed. 

While I am not entirely sure when it started, I became more accepting for who I am recently. I love the handful of friends I have, I didn't mind not going out everyday, and am pretty much satisfied with what I have. If people don't like me for being so quiet, so be it. I don't like you being so talkative either. I am comfortable in my own skin, and perhaps have always been, but I was too blinded by the "need" to change. So while I sometimes still feel nervous ordering my food, and talking to new people, I am not too affected by it anymore. Fuck people, I am happy being alone.

If any introverts happen to see this post, I just wanna say it is okay, and I understand. No one seems to understand why we repeat what we are going to say so many times in our head before talking, or how hard it is to raise your hand in class to answer a question. But there is nothing wrong with us. No one has ever told me it is okay being like this, but I am telling you now. It is okay to be an introvert, and extroverts are not any better than we are. If you still need something more to assure you, J.K. Rowling is an introvert too, and she wrote Harry Potter. :)

Quoting Gandhi again, "The next generation of quiet kids can and should be raised to know their own strength."